


nature is a language, can't you read?

by deadgreeks



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin, background James Potter/Lily Evans - Freeform, background Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, packers, the horrors of not having google, the wizarding world fulfills my wildest dreams as a trans man, two bros talking about one bro's future fake dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-03 22:17:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10976460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadgreeks/pseuds/deadgreeks
Summary: Remus wants to buy a packer, but he doesn't know what size he should get. That's where the most awkward conversation in the world comes in.





	nature is a language, can't you read?

Remus had spent most of the day, rather than studying for his OWLs, pacing outside the library, picking at a loose seam in the sleeve of his robes, unwinding it to the point that he’d probably have to spend most of the night stitching it up. He jumped at every sound, nearly fleeing when Marlene called out his name as she passed by. It was foolish, he knew--no one knew what was on his mind but him, he had no reason to be nervous.

Finally, near closing time, he willed himself into the library, striding as purposefully as he could towards the table the Marauders always occupied there, where he knew James would be, but chickened out at the last second, ducking into one of the aisles of shelves. He pressed his back against the shelf, his breath was coming fast, his heart thudding in his throat;  _ stupid, stupid,  _ he thought,  _ if it’s wrong, you can return it, no one has to know-- _

“Moony!” James’ voice boomed beside him, far too loud for the library, and Remus yelped. “Sorry, sorry,” he whispered. “I thought that was you. What are you doing here, didn’t you see me?”

“Er,” Remus said, always clever on his feet. “I’m studying. Guess I’m just focused.”

“What are you studying for?” James frowned at the titles behind him. “‘Magical Portraiture Through the Ages’? Sounds dull.”

“Actually, it’s quite riveting,” Remus said nervously. “I’ve read it before.”

“Then there’s no need for further study.” James grinned. “Come on, sit with me, share some of your chocolate, I’ve been here all day and I’m  _ dying _ . I’m going to get Os in at least half my classes, Evans will die of shock.”

“How, exactly, is she going to find out you got all those Os?” Remus asked, bemused. He followed James back to the corner window table, settling into the chair opposite him. 

“I hadn’t considered that,” James admitted after a moment. “Ah, I’ll think of that later, I’m sure you’n Padfoot’ll have plenty of ideas on that front.”

Remus rolled his eyes, producing a chocolate bar wrapped in gold tin from his robes. He broke two pieces off, slipping one to James and keeping the other for himself. He nibbled on it nervously, watching James closely.

“I, er, I didn’t actually come to study,” he blurted out.

James blinked at him, lowering the chocolate from his mouth. “Oh?”

“I came by to ask you something.” He glanced around nervously; no one was around, just what he’d wanted. This table was the only one in this part of the library, it was why the Marauders favored it. “Privately.”

“Why didn’t you just ask in the dorm?” James was beginning to look concerned. “Is it about Pads? Are you two alright?”

“No, we’re fine, it’s just.” He cleared his throat. “Private.”

“So private that Sirius and Peter couldn’t hear?” James lowered his voice. When Remus didn’t respond, his brown furrowed. “Whatever it is, I can help.”

“It’s just, ah.” Remus swallowed hard, avoiding his eyes. “Embarrassing.”

“Whatever it is--”

“I need to know what the average size of a dick is,” Remus blurted out, and winced. “Compared to ones height. Er, sorry.”

James stared at him, wide-eyed. “ _ Why? _ ”

“That muggleborn Hufflepuff fellow I buy my London political zines from,” Remus explained, “he brought me a catalog--a wizard catalog, of. Uh.” He swallowed hard. “Fake penises, for guys like me,” he ended in a mutter. 

“He brought you a _ what? _ ” James looked like he was struggling between laughter and the utmost seriousness.

“A catalog. It has wizarding products for trans men, like me,” Remus said, barely louder. “Including, er. Fake penises. They’re called packers.”

“Oh,” James said, seeming to settle on seriousness. “I see. And you need to know…”

“They come in sizes,” he explained. “I don’t want to get one that’s too big. Or too small, I guess, as they can be used for things more than packing.”

James thought for a moment. “Well, as far as I know--which, you know, isn’t much--I don’t think there’s much of a discrepancy between sizes when it comes to height. I think it’s just genetic.”

Remus nodded. “And, the average size is…?”

“I mean,” he began, and stopped, thinking for a moment. “Mine is about...well, you know, it’s not about size--”

“James,” Remus interrupted, bemused. “I literally don’t have a penis at all. I certainly won’t judge the size of yours.”

James cracked a smile. “Mine’s about ten centimeters, when it’s--well, not erect.”

“And when it is, you know...erect?” Remus was pretty sure that if any more blood rushed to his face, his head would explode.

“Do these  _ get  _ erect?” James asked peevishly, beginning to turn red himself.

“Well, the model I’m getting does.”  _ I’m going to die, _ Remus thought mournfully. “They’re magic, so you just...put them on, and every morning you drink this potion and it’s functional for everything a penis would be.”

“What, like, pissing, too?” James asked in wonderment, his curiosity taking over his embarrassment. “And...you know, feeling?”

“Yeah,” Remus muttered. “To both.” He pulled the catalog out of his bag, turning to the bookmarked page. A trans man stood proud, his fist on his hips, then turned to piss onto the ad text, then collapsed against the wall, stroking himself.  _ I hate my fucking life. _ “This is the. Uh. Model I’m looking at.”

“How’s it stay clean?” James asked, reading over the ad, awe in his eyes. This was why Remus had come to James instead of Peter--he’d known James would at least be curious, whereas Peter would probably die of embarrassment.

“Dunno,” Remus shrugged. “Magic.”

“Why didn’t you ask Sirius?” James asked finally, squinting at him suspiciously. “Since he’s your boyfriend and all.”

“We’ll be using this, you know.” Remus shifted uncomfortably. “Together. I thought selecting one with him would be...less than sexy. Too clinical, I dunno.”

James rolled his eyes. “You two are ridiculous. He’s crazy about you, he’d be fine with it.” James turned the page, and began to cackle--the same trans man wore a monstrously huge dildo, with ribbing all around it. He pressed a button at the tip, giving James a flirty look, and the ribbing turned inward, spikes taking their place. “As long as you show him this too.”

“Oh, give me that--” Remus snatched the catalog away, ears flaming. He shoved it back into his bag, shooting James a dark look, although feeble. “Er, thanks.”

“No problem,” James said, giving him a smile. He swept all his books and papers back into his bag. “I’m glad you came to me with it--however embarrassing for both of us.” Remus returned his smile, standing with him. As they made their way back to Gryffindor Tower, Remus felt a warmth growing in his chest, as he always did when his friends accepted him like this. “Now,” James said, as they approached the Fat Lady, “As I was saying about my plans with Evans and my OWLs…”

**Author's Note:**

> This came out of a trans remus headcanon post I linked to (which I loved) which included a headcanon that James bought Remus a packer. I started thinking about how awkward that would be based on my experiences talking to my SO about my packer, and this happened.  
> Come follow me on tumblr at [deadgreeks!](http://deadgreeks.tumblr.com/)  
> Tongue-in-cheek title from one of my fave Smiths songs, [Ask.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xBy65SxjL0)


End file.
